Wednesday, 16 November 2016

10 Lies I've Told my Children (republished)

Boy on wooden horse outside, with title text overlayed
When your little bundles of joy first arrive in the world, you probably make the same promises that most new parents do. To love them, protect them, be patient, be kind and an overall perfect parent. It can't be that hard, surely? Look how small and cute they are! There's no way you will ever want or need to do anything else other than gaze at your new amazing creation. Then it happens. They grow. They learn to talk and move around, at speed, in directions you'd rather they didn't. They learn to memorise adverts and the toy pages of the Argos catalogue. Those first few moments of solitude before they discovered the full capacity of their lungs are a lifetime away as you think up ever-more inventive ways to outwit the little angels.

Which is where the little white lies begin to creep in. They are not lies, though, they are survival skills and here, to make you feel better, are mine. Ten lies I've told my children. Feel free to adopt any that could get you out of trouble! 

1. That furry roadkill we passed at highspeed on the M5 was just having a little nap. 

2. The tooth fairy won't take your teeth if there are any holes, so you'd better brush for a bit longer. 

Mother and son, who has a missing front tooth

3. That chicken dinosaur will be sad if you don't eat it too. 

4. You won't get any presents if Santa thinks you're being greedy. 

Boy with very tall Father Christmas standing behind

5. It's bedtime! (It wasn't!) 

6. Children's television goes to sleep when you do. 

Small boy in school uniform sitting on his bed

7. Daddy lost his hair in a fight with the dinosaurs

8. When you lie, I can tell by your dimples. 

Upside down child's face, viewed through a car window

9. Santa won't come if your room's untidy. 'Elf and safety!

10. I am 21. And several halves. 

Add your own essential parenting porkies in the comments below, no one will ever know! 



  1. they are all new ones for me lol
    one I use a lot or used to is mummys not got any cash on her to buy that toy they want. they don't seem to then clock you paying by card!!

  2. LOL !!!! love them and have used them myself many times ....

  3. Haha, reminds me of a fleetwood mac song!

  4. I am always lying to my kids. Normally about the amount of vodka that I have drunk


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