Living With a Back Condition

I'm contributing my own post to our Hidden Illness series today. Something I've been wondering about doing for a while. A lot of the subjects I blog about begin with the same thought; 'Do other people feel this way?' I started this blog because I wanted to offer support to other parents by not being perfect. Because, to be a parent, you don't have to be perfect, you just have to try. You won't always get it right, but you do your best, and your children exist safe in the knowledge that you love them enough to always give them your all, even if sometimes it's a bit wonky or soggy in the middle...

Which is a tenuous link to the point of this post! I once buried a sentence in a post I wrote and never mentioned it again. This was because it was about a subject that divides people. It creates suspicion and doubt and can divide even the strongest relationships. Basically, I have a back condition. Two slipped discs in the base of my spine. It hurts. All the time. The trouble is though, you can't see pain. You can't even really describe pain, and I wouldn't want to. You see, what I really want is to be normal. To get up in the morning... actually yes, I would really like that; to get up in the morning: Without pain or fear of pain, or having to manoevre myself into a position where I can actually sit up, or (and this is a big problem for me) not laying there thinking; 'I would really love to get up now, because I love being up early, especially in the summer, but it already hurts, so I'm putting it off, and I can hear my son running around with his dad and everyone getting on with their day and I already feel like I'm missing out and it's only 7.30am!!'

What frustrates me most about my condition is that it largely depends on how much I do. I subconsciously adjust my day. For example, I avoid flights of stairs, hills, that kind of thing and I limit my physical exertion, because I know I won't be able to stand the next day if I overdo it. I'm currently trying to clear my garden and I'm doing it one shrub at a time! That's the thing you see, I just want to do the things everyone else does. I won't give up, my dream is to have a 'proper' job, go out to work every day. Impossible at the moment, because I know I wouldn't be able to either stay on my feet all day or sit at a desk for long. I went to a meeting yesterday and it over ran by nearly an hour. I can just about manage two hours sitting still, although I will be in agony by the time I get home.

you can't see it and it varies enormously from day to day. This makes it difficult for the people who care about me to know how to treat me, because sometimes, I'm ok (well not totally, but more able to manage it), I can do normal stuff, like shopping, even cycling sometimes. Then other days, I'm exhausted with the pain from the minute I wake up, because it's been bothering me all night. I am very, very lucky in that I have an understanding family. My husband puts up with a lot and manages to hold down a full time job whilst doing enough around the house to make it seem as if I'm really a domestic goddess who's just a bit modest! My daughter has always been quite intuitive and generally knows when something needs doing. She is great at looking after her brother as well and this is more of a help to me than she will ever realise. Things that might not seem like a big deal, such as finding him bathed and ready for bed, are like an oasis in the desert for a back sufferer! I think they are closer as a result of the times they've shared, which is one positive outcome at least!

So, this is me. The me you don't see and it's about time I stopped hiding the fact. I am not lazy, I am not crazy, I am just a little bit broken. This year though, I have vowed to find a way to get better. Whatever it takes

Click the link to read a previous Hidden Illness post, about Narcolepsy.