Tuesday, 11 April 2017

50 Thoughts Insomniacs Have Almost Every Night

Person lying down, completely covered by quilt, with title overlaidTick, tick, tick goes the clock, every second mocking you and your inability to drop off. You have tried everything; hot drinks, reading, blackout blinds, but nothing works. However tired you feel during the day, you know that the second your head hits the pillow, your eyes will flatly refuse to close and your brain will churn over all sorts of stuff, preventing you from accessing the much needed shut-eye you crave. If this is you, you may recognise some of the below. A comprehensive list of the common thoughts insomniacs dwell on pretty much every night. If I've missed any out, feel free to add your own in the comments. No one knows why this stuff suddenly matters, perhaps that's a mystery to ponder in the early hours too! 

  1. Remembering a rude comment someone made 14 years ago and lambasting yourself for not firing back a witty reply. 
  2. Listing all the witty replies you should have said. 
  3. Plotting your revenge against the perpetrator. 
  4. Wondering if you locked the back door.
  5. Trying to calculate the decibels of your partner's snoring and wondering if the neighbours can hear.
  6. Thinking up different ways to kill him.
  7. Deciding pillow smothering would be kindest, with the added advantage of instantly stopping the noise from his face.  
  8. Mentally redecorating your house. 
  9. And refurnishing it, 
  10. Then completely redesigning the layout, solving any architectural conundrums along the way. 
  11. A bit of mental maths working out how long you have left to sleep. 
  12. Wondering if you locked the back door.
  13. Trying to remember the name of that actress from that show in the 90s.
  14. Going through the alphabet. 
  15. Wishing it wasn't 2am so you could text someone and ask them. 
  16. Remembering Google and wondering if a really dim screen would count as a screen for insomnia purposes. 
  17. Deciding against it, but wishing you could Google if the back door was locked.
  18. Thinking about what you've eaten and vowing to do better tomorrow. 
  19. Working out how much weight you would lose by Christmas if you lost a pound a week. 
  20. Or two pounds a week. 
  21. Or three pounds a week. 
  22. Imagining your size 10 self at the Christmas party. 
  23. Picking your outfit. 
  24. Counting on to 7am and wondering if the alarm will still wake you up after 4 hours sleep. 
  25. If you go to sleep now, which you haven't, why are you not asleep??!! 
  26. Getting irrationally angry about the incompetence of a work colleague. 
  27. Wondering if she's had botox. 
  28. Or glycolic peels at the very least.
  29. Why is she with that guy? 
  30. What does he see in her? 
  31. She is really annoying. 
  32. Mentally walking through your entire house trying to remember where you left your glasses.
  33. Realising you really don't need them right now, but having to solve the mystery anyway, 
  34. Counting your shoes. 
  35. How many is too many?
  36. Should you have bought those peep toe sandals in the M&S sale earlier? 
  37. Of course you should.
  38. What's that noise? 
  39. Maybe the back door isn't locked?!
  40. It's the heating.
  41. No it's not, it's May. 
  42. Bloody cat.  
  43. How long til Christmas?
  44. Should I start saving? 
  45. How much will I have by Christmas if I start saving a pound a week?
  46. Or two pounds a week?
  47. Or three?
  48. Why are birds so bloody loud? 
  49. Aaargh, and what is that high-pitched ringing?! 
  50. Alarm clock. Dammit. 

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  1. LOL This is me every night of the week! Love it!

    1. And me! That's why I wrote it, at about 3am!

  2. I'm laying here knowing there are Easter eggs downstairs in the kitchen, it's murder lol

    1. Ah, I should have added food calling to you, that's a good one!

  3. This is a list for housewives - for women with careers we have very different thoughts...

    1. I'm not a housewife, but I do work from home, so maybe that makes a difference.


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